Not as soon as we thought.

I want to start this off by assuring everyone that Ava is still doing very well. Nothing has changed with her. However, yesterday was a very difficult day for me. I was finally able to speak with the doctor for more than a few seconds (over the phone albeit). I was shocked when he informed me that Ava will not be going home for at LEASt another two weeks. The nurses have been making it seem like it would be very very soon, as in next week. I was asked to bring in her carseat and everyone has been talking about how soon she is going home. So to hear that was like a punch in the gut.

His reasoning is that he wants to get her off the caffeine and he does not feel that she is "reliable". She still desats and bradys with feeds and the doctor feels as if this is just a matter of being uncoordinted and that with time and patience she will get the hang of it just fine. The problem is not that she doesn't want to eat but rather that she tries to inhale her milk without breathing. If you haven't noticed, breathing is kinda low on Ava's priority list and has been for the last two months. That needs to change. When she is not eating, she has been breathing GREAT without the cannula, so that is not the issue at this point. But if you have ever tried to suck on a bottle you would actually realize that suck/swallow/breathe is a little more complicated than it seems. Especially when you are just a little nugget like Ava. She hasn't been doing this her whole life like most 2 month olds. So, while we ARE certainly getting closer, we are not getting closer as fast as everyone has been letting on.

I want to clarify that I do not want to rush Ava out of the NICU. Yes, I want her to be home, but moreso, I want her to be ready. The hardest part about hearing that news yesterday was that I was led to believe that she was going home in a few days, I was in a completely different mindset. I was preparing at home and getting ready for her. I was feeling like my trips to the hospital were soon to be over. Being that I have been through this before, I should have known better. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up until I was literally IN the car with my baby, driving home. But it's a tough thing to do...not get your hopes up. I respect the doctor's opinion, and to be honest, I agree with it as well. I don't trust Ava at this point and even though I feel confident that she would be ok at home, it would be scary. So, we just have to be patient and give her the time she needs to be ready. And before we know it, all of this will be a distant memory. When Travis was in the NICU, things were much more intense and he was there twice as long as Ava has been there already. And even THAT is a blurry fog to me. So I know that we will get through it, move past it and one day or life will be just as normal as any other family of four. I am seriously longing for that day!