I have been meaning to write this post for a while, but just have not gotten around to it. I will start off with a quick update on how Ava is doing. Last night when we were with her, she was doing great and resting peacefully. She was mostly breathing over the vent so I am REALLY hoping we can get her off soon. Her incision looks very bad and the surgeon is supposed to come and look at it this morning. It's amazing how well she is doing considering all she has going on. She had a good night last night and is now up to 2lbs 12oz. She is gaining weight at a great rate. Her feeds have been backed down on since she was throwing up but she is now tolerating them well again at 12 ml/3hours.
Anyway, back to what this post is really about. Contrary to popular belief, doing this a SECOND time, does not make it easier. In fact, I feel as though it makes it twice as hard. All of the reasons that should make it easier double as reasons that make it harder. For example, I know what to expect. That's a plus, right? Well, not really. If I didn't know how much every day on a ventilator damages the lungs, maybe I wouldn't be as impatient to get her off. I also know how every day spent on a vent makes it harder to get off. There is a lot that I had "forgotten" about when Travis was in the NICU. More than likely I had just erased it from my memory, but as time goes on and Ava faces challenge after challenge, it is all coming back to me. Feeding issues, tummy issues, infections, surgery, respiratory challenges, brain scans, IV's, PIC lines.
It is usually when I am staring at her monitors, watching numbers fall, feeling sick to my stomach, that it really hits me. I can't believe I am doing this again. I can't believe I am watching these numbers, seeing my baby turn colors that no baby should ever turn. Watching nurses and RT's try to get her back where she needs to be. It is like de ja vu of the most horrific kind. The guilt I feel for putting Ava through this is something I cannot explain in words. Logically I know that I tried to fix the problem to prevent this from happening again. I was recieving the prenatal care that I needed and I did everything I could during my pregnancy to take it easy and be as healthy as I could. Emotionally the blame is 100% on me. I knew there was a risk, and I did it anyway. I would never trade my sweet Ava for anything, and of course I am so thankful to have her, but I think it will take time for me to forgive myself for putting her through all of this.
I feel like this post was very choppy and maybe did not make as much sense as I was hoping, but that's kinda where I am at right now. It's as if I am here, but not. Just going through the motions. It's called survival mode and I know it well. Someday, I hope to be snuggling in bed with Ava like I was with Travis this morning, the NICU a distant memory, thanking God for both of my sweet, healthy babies!
6 comments:
Oh Chelsea...I totally understand what you're saying, and I wish there was something I could say to take the guilty feeling away. But I know better than that, so I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and just reminding you that you are a GREAT mom to Travis and Ava, despite what your body couldn't do.
Awe hun, you made perfect sense. It has to be heart wrenching to go through this again rather or not you "know" what to expect or not. Its not that easy really. Every baby is different. There were slight risks hun, how were you supposed to know it would end up this way? There was really no way to know. She went farther than Travie did, and they said you were doing great...you had no way of knowing what was coming up next! You are a fantastic mom, and they will love you for giving them a chance at life! Had you not rolled the dice, they would not be here. In the end it will all be worth it, and you have a whole cheering section backing you up! (HUG) Loves girlie!
Thank you for sharing this. I've been wondering how you are doing and feeling. Emotions can run all over the place and I just want you to know I am thinking and praying for you.
My words won't make you feel better but I hope my prayers will. Please know that you are a fantastic mother. Much love to your whole family.
Made perfect sense to me too. It's so heartbreaking, to watch your baby in the NICU. I struggled with a lot of guilt when Danica was in the NICU, and eventually it evened out and I got better. Be sure to look on the bright side, and the gift of life you managed to create and bring into the world. And soon, this will all be a distant memory, a bad dream, and you will be able to snuggle a healthy baby Ava and a healthy toddler Travis and enjoy your family. Nicu is not forever (thank god), and she will come out on the other end!
Sending lots of sympathy hugs and healthy happy thoughts for you and Ava both!
I am always thinking of sweet baby Ava and of course keeping her and you and your family in my prayers. She is a little fighter, and you are an amazing mama. (((hugs)))
Post a Comment